I quit school.
The weekend after Thanksgiving, as I sat down to write two research papers, I called my husband:
“Hey, babe. I think I need you to talk me down from the edge… because I’m about to be super irrational and quit school,” I whimpered, as I called him in a frantic mess with a touch of peacefulness.
As my hubs usually does, he broke it down for me:
“Ummm, well, babe, I could tell you what society would say, ‘You are half way through’, ‘You can do this, push through, think how great you will feel when it’s done.’ OR, I can suggest that you journal, meditate and pray about it.”
I did the latter.
I sat at the table, whipped out my journal and got down to soul stretching business. I journaled every single thing I was feeling, without judgment, out.
I sat in silence, trying to be thoughtless for at least ten minutes.
And then, I prayed; peace was now crashing my shores of indecision.
It didn’t take long at all actually. I opened up my laptop and immediately emailed my advisor about withdrawing and declaring that I know all of it is super counter-productive in the eyes of academia (and many others I’m sure).
But, I did it anyway + I literally felt like a giant boulder was lifted off of my shoulder.
I knew in that moment I made a decision which honored my soul. And I haven’t looked back since.
After I sent that email and closed my laptop, I sat in my cozy kitchen chair and felt weightless.
I knew I had to regroup and a whisper inside me was getting louder and more frequent to slow the hell down. So, I did.
I decided to take the entire month of December off.
And, I actually did it. Whoa.
You see, I didn’t get to quitting school over night. It was a long journey I’ve been on most of my life.
I over-committed by going back to school because I didn’t think I was going to have enough to do as a new stay-at-home-mom and caregiver. (BULLSHIT).
I also went on a future-trippin’ binge + freaked myself out by wondering WTF I was going to do with myself when I didn’t have anybody to take care of. (Even MORE bullshit!)
Add on my writing and building a blogging business.
Yep, not enough (super joking right there).
This business of me being a serial over-committer has been a journey in the making, but recently, it was becoming painfully obvious I really shouldn’t ignore it so much.
In November I went to our local Holistic Health Fair and went to see my favorite Shaman lady.
As the Shamanic work began, the first thing she remarked about was my highly generous amount of scattered-ness and disconnect I had going on.
And, although I did not want to hear it, I had to agree with her.
She brought up my need for making a list (ouch!) and even called me out on my difficulty of staying in the present moment (dude, I write blogs about that, how could that be?!).
It could very well be; she was on point with everything she was saying.
I knew I was in for a ride at that point.
As she worked to clear my chakras (had some MAJOR jamming in the root and solar plexus) and get any un-stuck energy flowing…
I was then bitch slapped again when I was reminded about my major masculine energy and that, if I choose, I can truly be guided to embrace more of my divine feminine energy as well.
On top of everything I was hit with in that session, the moving of that energy actually purged out of me in various ways including an almost week long stomach illness (hello root and solar plexus energy) that left me asking everyone else for help.
What I’m trying to say is – I KNEW I NEEDED TO SLOW DOWN.
The Divine had been trying to tell me this in subtle and not so subtle ways.
But, I was still boarding my crazy train from time to time.
Okay, back to the month off…
Balance has always been one of my challenges in life and well, I was pretty much over trying to DO that anymore.
I was ready to chill the fuck out. I even wrote myself a note to do just that:
And this is what I did for a whole month:
I read the books I had put off.
I prayed, a lot.
I meditated, a lot.
I stayed off of social media, a lot.
I watched copious amounts of mind-numbing television without feeling bad.
I increased my nights out with the soul-sisters.
I laughed and played more with my daughter.
I engaged in life and in the present moment.
I ate whatever I wanted.
I chose to create a judgement-free zone for myself.
I stopped comparing + began choosing love.
And I did a shit-ton of The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte.
*Life Changer/Game Changer/Must Read/Blasted Me Over The Hump – soooo good for the soul book.*
You can purchase it HERE if you are down to “creating goals with soul” as Danielle puts it.
It wasn’t always easy. In fact, it took moment-by-moment trudging and finally, choosing, at times.
It wasn’t until the third week of December when I started feeling the upside of taking all of this time off.
I needed that much time to get back to the center.
When I took that time off, I received interesting feedback.
Sometimes, it was super supportive: “Good for you! Sometimes that is exactly what you have to do for yourself.”
Sometimes, it was like I was speaking a foreign language: “You are doing what? I wish I could do that!”
And sometimes, it was darn right blasphemous to others: “I could never do that. Why would you WANT to do that?l!”
Point: respect your own journey, honor that inner voice which is trying to speak to you and bless others on their own journey.
It is now January 5th as I write this blog. And let me tell you, I highly fucking recommend taking the time off you need, no questions asked.
I feel more centered, grounded and most of all CLEAR on who I truly am + how I want to show up in this world.
That is freedom in my eyes because I’ve always struggled with purpose.
I know some of you are probably thinking, “Holy hell, I can’t take a month off! Sure would be nice. But, let’s get real.”
And, I totally get that. So, let me be real with you…
My world looks like this:
At this moment in time, my main “job” is stay-at-home-mom and caregiver.
I have a shiny, spunky, spit-fire four-year old and an eighty-two year old father (The Vic he is affectionately referred to) who has dementia (you can read more about that journey HERE) whom I take care of.
When my Elsa-adoring daughter is in preschool a few times a week, I get in my time of being the half-ass writer and blog enthusiast I am, while The Vic rocks out on some opera.
In 2014 I also added in the experimentation and later, obsession, with dōTERRA essential oils. So, I share the oils, have classes, blog and do fun “lab work” in the kitchen/bathroom with them!
When I’m not writing, or building my blogging and dōTERRA business (which truly is very part-time thus far), I enjoy nothing more than cooking and doing “house” stuff. I’m super serious, I really do.
My hubs works a normal “9-5” job per say, so he’s gone during the day.
So, when I say, I took the whole month of December off, I mean I didn’t send a blog out, or actively work on anything dōTERRA.
I was DEF mommin’ and wife-ing it up still. No doubt about that.
I share this with you because I would get myself into these traps when someone would say things like what I just said about taking a month off.
I would start comparing myself, wondering how they could do that and then judgement would set in. What I didn’t realize, is that it looks different for everyone.
If this blog speaks to you and perhaps, you see a glimpse of yourself in me, know that taking a break, or time off is possible – but, respect your world and make it your own.
Maybe your world doesn’t look like mine + you work 40+ hours/week – that’s cool.
Perhaps take vacation time, stay in all weekend, devote your evenings to nothing but YOU.
Maybe your a stay-at-home-mom, but need more you-time.
Wake up early, stay up late, use nap time, call a girlfriend to babysit, get a family member on board. Use your partner!
This is not selfish, this is what is needed for us to move forward, SANELY, in life, yo.
Make. It. Your. Own.
Do what feels right in your bones, not someone else’s.
Love you like crazy trains + a month off,