A Soul Sister Guide Through Divorce

 

I was sitting at a coffee shop one day with absolutely no intention of writing anything.

I was actually just hangin’ out with my dad and soaking up some of my new spiritual boyfriend, Eckhart Tolle and his teachings (isn’t he presh that Mr. Tolle?!).

As I sat there – all of a sudden – this surge of inspiration came over me and I was flooded with thoughts of my BFF from kindergarten and what she was going through as she treks through a divorce; at times armed with high heels and other times equipped with her favorite shit-kickers for the terrain she is trekking.

And while I held her soul up to the light during my thoughts, I was also transported to what I experienced in past relationships and all of the lessons and soul stretching that is done (if we choose) during those times of gut-wrenching, spirit-spurting growth.

I thought…

if I could write a letter to my younger self about what I wish I knew, as well as what I’ve picked-up being a fly on the wall with my BFF…

…why the hell not?

 

And then this puppy just wailed out of me. I wrote feverishly and my heart pumped tears of joy for the journey through heartache and then I sent love to where we inevitably end up: on the other side of it –  at times broken and busted, sometimes hopeful and happy…all the while vacillating between ‘what the fuck am I doing’ to ‘holy shit I’m doing IT.’ 

Sometimes still shaken, sometimes with more clarity than ever, but standing with more experience and knowledge than we did before. And a wide-open space with what to do with this newly acquired soul growth + wisdom.

Because break-ups are just a chipping away of who we truly are. A chance to get to know our self. A giant mirror with glaring lights shining on our shadows within. They are only here to help us discover that which dwells within – your lighthouse through the fog + crashing waves. 

I wrote this for my soul-sister BFF.

I wrote this for  you.

I wrote this for what I wish I knew early on.

And I bow to your voyage through it all.

 

Here it goes…in no particular order…


  • Forgive quickly (that goes for yourself as well). Pray, journal, meditate, find a book, talk to a therapist, a best friend, a family member, a life coach – somebody! Forgiveness is an inside job – do whatever it takes to find peace within yourself. 
  • Send love to those whom you feel slighted by, as well as yourself.
  • Kids are more resilient than you think…AND so are you!
  • Just because you think your world has stopped and you are overcome with emotion…it hasn’t and neither has anyone else’s…damnit.
  • Vent + move on. Rinse + Repeat.
  • Pray often + surrender quickly.
  • Believe in life after love and love after love.
  • Remember – it takes two to tango: take responsibility for you and only you – let the other shit go and stop talking about ityou have a new life to rebuild.
  • Bask in gratitude…even the smallest of things.
  • Choose faith: God always has your back if you just let go.
  • Remember: this is happening FOR you, not against you. Take this time to get to know yourself. Grow + expand + water your own flowers.
  • Grieve. Cry. Punch it out. Scream. Eat a tub of ice cream. Just don’t build a home in these places…they are only but stops along the journey.
  • Ask yourself: Is this really worth the fight? If the answer is “no” than trust God will always provide for you in ways you could not yet imagine. Allow the Divine to shine, baby.
  • Next time around…listen to your intuition. Don’t let that whisper from God become a boulder upside your head. 

One day I stumbled across a song by Dierks Bentley called “Pray”.

This song and these words became MY prayer after break-ups and for anyone who was struggling with letting go.

Check out the lyrics + see what strokes your soul…


Dierks Bentley

“Pray”

Just because it didn’t last
Doesn’t mean that we were wrong
We both fell in love so fast
And now it’s gone
And the hurt is strongThough we don’t see eye to eye
And a wind’s begun to blow
I’m gonna love you till I die
And I want you to know
Till they lay me lowI’ll pray
Love will bless and find you
Pray
For joy and happiness
Pray
For two strong arms around you
PrayWas it something we can’t see
Maybe something we don’t know
If it wasn’t meant to be
We should just say so
And let it goI’ll pray
Love will bless and find you
Pray
For joy and happiness
Pray
For two strong arms around you
Pray

That with time
You’ll someday find
Peace

I’ll pray
Love will bless and find you
Pray
For joy and happiness
Pray
For two strong arms around you
Pray

That with time
You’ll someday find
Peace
That with time
You’ll someday find
Love


 

 

Love + Lovers + Soul-Sisters,

Keli

CONTINUE READING

How To Have a Life You Can Sing Hallelujah To

I’ll never forget spewing my heartfelt desires to a branding consultant almost two years ago.

She asked me what I really want to do with my business because everything I was saying did not point to what I was doing at the time.

I spilled quickly, “I just want to blog. Write my heart out and share my life with the world. Be of use in that way. That’s really it.”

“Ok, that’s what I thought. Let’s work with that,” she rejoined.

 

And guess what I did after we got all brand-y and plan-like?

  • Not a damn thing.

 

If felt fan-flippin-tastic; exhilarating; sweet-spotish and then I travelled down the road of Resistance, but I didn’t know it was called that for a while.

What is resistance? Well, some call it fear, others may call it the devil and what it comes down to is your inner battle keeping you from WHO you truly BE (and HOW you would like to show up in this life).

Steven Pressfield, author of “The War of Art” talks about resistance with a capital R. He talks about Resistance and Love like this:

“Resistance is directly proportional to love. If you’re feeling massive Resistance, the good news is, it means there’s tremendous love there too. If you didn’t love the project that is terrifying you, you wouldn’t feel anything. The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference.

The more Resistance you experience, the more important your unmanifested art/project/enterprise is to you – and the more gratification you will feel when you finally do it.”

Whoa – that gives me some goosebumps of truth…whatcha’ think?

 

Joseph Campbell talks about it in a Hero’s Journey as well.

“Follow your bliss. If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be. If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn’t have opened for anyone else.” — Joseph Campbell 

 

So, recently, I chose to slay that fucking dragon and junk-punch Resistance in the face. Here I am. Here me roar.

I’m not sure where you are in your voyage with actually showing up and playing BIG in this life, especially around the things that you actually feel a soul longing to do, but I do believe it is time to do something about it.

 

For almost two years I have travelled others journeys instead of my own. I have voyaged to Santa Barbara on the helms of new business opportunities and others followings because I didn’t think I could build my own tribe.

I have tried to wake up early to write more times than not and turned over and hit snooze, like, a gazillion times.

I have had ideas and chose to do nothing about them. 

I have had utter bouts of so much divine inspiration and then thought, ‘nah, that wasn’t God that was my fantasy talking.’ But, it was God…Spirit speaks in fantasy too!

I have doubted myself and at times resigned to “maybe I’m not an entrepreneur + writer…perhaps I should just go back to school.”

At times I allowed the thought of how long it will take me to ‘show up’ everyday for this dream and got completely overwhelmed.

 

These are all of the things I did because guess what? I’m human and so are you.

And I am exposing myself to you because I know I’m not the only damn one who has trudged this path.

And because I believe transparency is one of our grandest guides.

But…there is a magical BUT in this story….

We don’t have to continue to choose mediocrity, strife and struggle to our bliss. Hell no. 

After I read ‘The War of Art’ and got so damn pissed at myself for not showing the fuck up like I know I can, I chose to do something about it. And that is the beauty of life; we all have choices, yo.

 

So, here I am – with a redesigned blog space/website that feels like meeeee and a writing schedule (because I love me some structure) that beamed me into happy-town when I filled it up with all of my ideas.

And here I am on a Sunday (with my time planned out and a hubs that supports the shit out of me as he takes care of the babes)….writing.

Following my own damn advice – for the first time in two years.

Will I fall off my wagon? Maybe.

Will I doubt myself again? There might be moments.

Will I show the fuck up? I’m planning on it.

You see, that is the shady place of showing up + following your bliss: We think we can’t have another ‘holy shit moment’ again just because we finally chose for our self and not someone else’s path.

Being unapologetically YOU and following your own path is sometimes scary as hell and a bit fucking messy. But, I know NOT doing that is soul death and walking zombie status, so I’ll take the messy. 

 

I listen to this song a lot for inspiration and here is why:


Natasha Bedingfield, “Unwritten”

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines

We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can’t live that way

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins


Where will you begin to break the tradition of your life…

and choose to show up fully as you?

and follow the path of your souls itches and cries?

to reach + stretch farther beyond what you think you can do right now?

 

I’m starting today. I’m starting right now.

I’m CHOOSING to follow my path and only mine. To answer the call of my soul and no longer hush The Divine who whispers to me.

I’m cherry-picking my preference to fully express myself through writing and sharing my life with others as my badge of service for as long as God will bless it.

And I am also choosing to not get stuck in the means of it all – Where will it take me? How will it all work out? Can I make a living off of this? – but, rather to bask in the journey and fully expressed version of me.

 

Because THAT…

That is bliss…

That is divinity…

That is inspiration…

That is a life I can sing hallelujah to….

Even if it takes learning to dance with Resistance on a moment by moment basis. I will choose that crossing.

 

I would love to hear from you – in the comments below let us know what you are currently resisting in following your bliss + how you are going to choose to show up fully as YOU? Let’s support each other on this journey!

 

Love + Bitch-Punching Resistance,

Keli

CONTINUE READING

Progress Over Perfection

 

My older brother (like eighteen years older than me, older brother – thanks Italian father of ours) has been indirectly immersed in my smoothie-obsessed lifestyle in and out of his life for the last year and has really taken a liking to those green lifesavers.

He has been frickin’ Seabisquit out there, chuggin’ along like a champ experimenting with all this “alternative” health stuff we have coming in and out of his house.

So, when the hubs and I moved back from Santa Barbara and he was showing off his smoothie making superpowers I was beyond stoked at the transformation he had chosen for his life.

 

One day, after I had been reading from the Food Babe about Subway using some crazy-ass chemical (azodicarbonamide, hello yoga mat plastic, you can read more about that here) in their bread…who decides to bring home their happy Subway sandwich? Brother.

For Pete’s sake, he thought he was doing well. I mean it wasn’t some McDonald’s, or some other burger joint, which he is used to stopping at for a quick bite.

He thought it was progress and to me I envisioned him eating a yoga mat. Yikes!

So, there he was happily grabbing his Subway from the fridge and the hubs and I started joking with him about eating that hard-to-pronounce material in the bread.

And knowing my bro, it was probably an off day for him, but he got a little defensive and was like, “Whoa, progress over perfection, yo!”

Well, those were actually my words, but that is what he was trying to get across and he did say ‘progress over perfection.’ 🙂 

Which got my ass thinkin’ like crazy…


What if we celebrated the journey to health more than the destination of health?

What if you chose baby steps over leaps?

What if you praised yourself for taking the time to pack yo’self a lunch instead of buying a donut and pop?

It’s about the journey to health.

Yes, cold turkey works for some, but not all.

When can we begin blurring the lines between dropping judgment and turning up the tune of love?

When you really want to change, you will, or you’ll suffer, or die – it’s up to you.

Why must we try and change those not wanting change?

How can we show up as a big ball of Love and acceptance?


Check it: I bitchslapped ma’ damn self!

I used to be the type that dove in head first giving little thought to what I was about to do. I just knew I wanted change in some form; so going “all in” was what I had to do.

But, I realized over time that I’m really someone who needs baby steps for some things because I’ll fall off the Balls-In Train pretty fast if I don’t give myself enough time and space to breathe whilst on a new journey, whatever it may be.  

Now, I’m not saying to ignore what is in front of you either. After the Subway judgment train blew over with my brother, he continues to remark that all this stuff he is learning is constantly in his head when he is shopping, etc. 

The main point is you can’t unknow what you now know. Ya dig? So, even if you know that pop is filled with more sugar than a Halloween candy bag that did circles around the neighborhood, it is still your responsibility and up to you to do something about it. Your knowing, your choices. 

 

I look back on my own excursion of integrating more health and holistic wellness into this life and it has taken time. Like reeeeeaaaal time. It didn’t happen overnight and I’m still tweaking and experimenting with badass ways to bring more soul infusing + health-inducing love into this experience.

You don’t one day get to the Health Mountain and suddenly you’ve “arrived.” I call bullshit on that approach.

It’s continuous.

It’s momentous.

It’s encompassing and sporadic.

And in the beginning it can be an ice cream binge one day and a green smoothie blast another day.

Easy come, easy go. Take it slow. You are there. There is no “getting there”…only a choice to show the hell up.

Moment by moment, day by day: choosing, using what you have, know and seek.

 

And, although my nature is to just throw everything out of a kitchen and replace it with all things organic and green friendly, I know that spells disaster in so many ways.

So, if you are or ever have been hard on your beautiful self about this health and wellness journey, stop it.

Stop whatever self-abuse and unloving language you are spewing to yourself and while we are going there, that also goes for self-sabotaging behavior (“I’m just gonna stay fat because it’s easier that way.”).

No, it’s not easier. You wanna know what is easier and way more fulfilling?

Buying a book, getting to know YOU, sitting your ass on a pillow and meditating, talk to the Divine, soul chatting with a friend, moving beyond the resistance that is keeping you stuck.

Resistance keeps us fat because we are literally resisting that light within us which wants to shine so bright, but we are so fucking scared of it we choose to self sabotage aka over-eat, etc.

 

Life is about the ride and how we choose to navigate this existence. It’s not always unicorns and fairies, but those dark moments birth the light, which is our own spark of Divinity.

So, go there. Get dirty. Roll around in the unknown and explore who you are because in the end it is all about progress…the learning, the tangible experiencing of life.

Perfection is a lonely island where the only “survivors” are the ones digging their own grave.

 

Love + Progress,

Keli 

 

CONTINUE READING

Everybody’s Hell is Different – A Love Note for Relationships

 

The hubs and I were having a heart to heart one night and reminiscing, actually we were more than reminiscing….we were deep soul diving into what we had experienced in moving to Santa Barbara, CA and abruptly moving back home to Colorado not too long ago.

It was one of those late night chats you didn’t see comin’, but end up being exactly what you needed. The soul always knows.

 

We lay there openly expressing how we viewed that special, as well as heartbreaking time in our life, from a vision of better understanding now that we were getting settled and feeling less rocky in the rebuilding stage of that ride.

And because our relationship is based upon raw, no-matter-what-this-has-to-be-said-communication, we were free flowing in the depth of our heart whispers and soul diving in piecing together how to wrap our minds (and hearts) around that time in our life…

 

Moving to Santa Barbara was something I had to work out in my atmosphere.

 

That knock on my heart to head west to California had been placed upon my core since I was a little girl and although I tried numerous times to fulfill that desire, it didn’t happen….until what I saw as the perfect opportunity presenting itself.

 

In the name of being wildly open and honest with each other I was so pulled to moving to California that I told my husband continuously, “I have to do this for me and I don’t expect you to come with me, but I have to do this, or I will be a very unhappy person if I don’t give this a go.”

In his mind that had divorce written all over it, but in my eager brain, it was just a soul journey that had to be fulfilled to the highest.

 

We were married for about three years with a two-year old in tow and the hubs (at times with much kicking and screaming in the beginning) gave me the blessing for us to trek our asses out west in pursuit of my own dreams, but also to help ease my spirit in regards to California.

 

And so we did…

after giving away and selling every tangible item we owned except what would fit in a car we took the leap of faith to Santa Barbara, CA with no real plans in place and so much hope and optimism to what could be.

We were blindly, blissfully happy for this new chapter in our lives. 

We safely landed in paradise and began to make SB our home.

 

However, four months later after the money from business ventures didn’t come in as fast as it was going out, we were snappishly driving back home to Colorado in a rental car (again with minimal belongings), but this time with so much despair and uneasy emotions that just pierced our hearts over and over and zero dollars to our name. (Hey, I know you are probably wondering, “WTF happened out there?”, simmah down…over time the deets shall be revealed, ya dig?).

 

My husband always refers to our relationship as the unstoppable force (me) and the immovable object (him) living out our lives together…and that is probably the best way to describe us. Ok, back to the story. 😉

 

 

So, here we were pillow-talking late one night and expressing and reflecting how we felt NOW about Santa Barbara and seeing it through the eyes of more understanding and maturity.

I remarked to him numerous times that, “I knew you never wanted to go out there and you were happy here in Colorado, but it’s something I had to do for my soul, so thank you for making that sacrifice.”

And then I said what I felt was my truth, “…because I’m not sure I would have done the same for you, ya know? And that makes me feel, well, I’m not sure. But, I just had to be raw and honest with you.”

 

At that point, instead of him getting upset or hurt because I expressed that I may not have been able to do what he did for me and the family, he broke his heart spaced decision down so vividly, there was nothing left for me to wonder. 

He explained eloquently…

He asked me if I remember that part in the movie with Robin Williams, “What Dreams May Come” where Robin Williams literally goes to hell to find his wife (who committed suicide) because he didn’t want to experience heaven without her.

 

I acknowledged that part and the movie and he said… 

“That is how I feel. I would rather go through hell with you than experience heaven without you…even if that means self-sacrifice in some areas. And everyone’s hell is different; so don’t beat yourself up because of what I was willing to do. You just never know until you are there.”

 

And in that moment, I loved him even more.

 

Just like California was something my soul had to do…my husband explained going with me was what HIS soul had to do, even if it might have been his own hell – it was heaven to him as well. 

 

As I write all of this it sounds almost like some mushy love story, but if you asked the hubs and me we would never categorize ourselves like that.

We always thought we were too real, too raw, too “above” the usual flowers and cards stuff.  

Turns out, we had a depth AND mad love expressed in our own unique way…just like you: irreplaceable and distinctive with full expression in your own way…’cause baby you were born this way (yes, I just quoted Lady Gaga).

 

 

What my heart knew in that moment was my hell could be your heaven and vice versa. We all have our own voyage to sail and lessons to learn.

My hubs reinforced something I had forgot…vulnerability is beautiful and I should partake in it far more often in life.

 

I fell in love with that man again that night and it reignited in me that every journey is sacred and there is no such thing as mistakes or failures, just chances to learn and grow.

Because if we stop doing that we stop living. 

 

 

 

Love + To Hell and Back,

Keli 🙂 

 

CONTINUE READING

How To Stop Serving Yourself A Plate Of Powerlessness.

 

When you begin a diet aren’t you just pumped as hell to have a “new you”?

You think you found that perfect diet and this one is going to pave the way to that “you” inside that has been screaming to come out.

 

Well, when we begin a new diet what we are really doing is giving ourselves a butt load (I’m talkin’ baby-got-back size) of hope. 

Hope for a slimmer ass, hope for that guy to like us, hope for enhanced self-esteem, hope for a fresh start, and hope to feel better, hope for a new life.

 

But, what we don’t realize we are doing is giving away our power to what we think is the almighty Paleo, Vegan, Raw, High Protein God’s which will save us from what we are just not willing to acknowledge yet: that we are way more powerful than we think we are.

 

Now, I’m not saying that experimenting with these diets are “wrong” or you shouldn’t try them.

Lord knows once I scaled back the dairy and chose more plant based foods my world flipped upside down and I began riding unicorns (well, kinda), and my stomach aches were optional (to dairy or not to dairy I have to ask myself). 

 

And if it wasn’t for my introduction into the vegan world by Alicia Silverstone’s “The Kind Diet” and Kris Carr’s “Crazy Sexy Diet” it might have taken me a couple more flare-ups in the kitchen and some major charring of kale chips if I did not have their golden nuggets of books and wisdom. 

 

What I am saying is…

Way before you choose that “diet” which you are ready to put all of your hope and power in, put it in YOURSELF first.

 

Because what ends up happening is you start diet jumping and “falling off the wagon” due to ridiculous standards you put on yourself and hopes that this diet will solve all of your body issues, food problems and maybe some daddy difficulties as well.

 

What if you used all of the foodie literature as tools and resources instead of plugging your power source into the almighty of diet fads?

Until you are ready to dig deep and start peeling back some layers in your life around food it will always be an issue for you.

 

And diet jumping will just be one big part of that cycle and your next savior will be right around the corner in the next diet to come out, and the next diet you will start and most likely quit due to not owning your own power.

 

How fucking fun is that? None, I hope. 

Or maybe it is some sort of pain you like to put yourself through in situating yourself on the hamster wheel of dieting.

But, I’m thinkin’ you are really over that…like two diets ago over that, yeah?

 

If right now, deep down you want to kinda punch me, that’s a good thing because it means a cord was struck and there is a hint of truth in there for you.

Follow what you are feeling, allow it to bubble and even fester and if you have to throw something or scream – do it. 

 

Because part of creating movement into your power is owning your feelings and moving them in a way that tickles your soul; learning to dance with your feelings is a whole lot different than dancing around them babies.

 

Move. Scream. Shout. Shake. Two-step. Conga. Grab a partner (coach, therapist, friend, lover, book, journal).

And don’t stop shakin’ what yo mama gave you until you feel better, lighter… ’cause a soul release is waaaay healthier than a fridge binge, ya dig?

 

And while you are choosing the power train check out these life hacks:

  • Fall in love with yo’self. Sounds corny I know, but it’s true because when you absolutely adore and love something you only want the best for it. Not that fatal attraction stuff people…hug yourself or somethin’. 
  • Drop the judgment – of yourself, of others – NOW. Like yesterday. Judgment kills everything especially possibility, so drop it like it’s hot. And pick up a heaping dose of love.
  • Feel what you are feeling. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Feel what you are feeling. And dance it out. 

 

 

Alright, I would love to hear from you if you’re in the midst of experiencing placing your power in diets and outside of yourself.

If this speaks to you, leave a comment below on how you are taking your power back and what has come up for you in doing so. 

 

 

Love + Learning,

Keli 

CONTINUE READING

How to Turn Your Heart Tears Into Healing For The New Year

 

It is officially the New Year and as I scrolled through my Facebook and spoke with some friends, a lot of the sentiments were, “So happy 2013 is over, bring on 2014!”

And I kinda’ got what they were sayin’; I was feelin’ the same damn way. I mean the last few months of 2013 were pretty crazy and gut wrenching for me, so I was like, “Hell yeah, out with 2013 and in with 2014!”

 

Then my stomach started to do some turns as that sentiment ramped up, so I had to reflect a wee bit to find out what was really goin’ on.

 

What I realized was even though I totally got that whole, “wanting to ‘forget’ about 2013” feeling and all of the valleys or heart tears it brought, I started thinking that even though the end of 2013 was one of the darkest I had experienced, it was also one fueled with learning, growing, stretching and expanding beyond what I thought I could endure; individually, as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, as a family member, as a spiritual being.

 

Albeit desiring 2014 to be a kick-ass year, I knew I couldn’t just kick 2013 to the curb so easily and all of the gorges of experience in which I crossed because it is in that year I became well-educated to certain touch points within myself which will open me up to be a vessel for 2014 and all of its badassery.  

 

We can’t make this year better than last year if the previous years luggage is still waiting to be picked up and unpacked. 

That just makes for dead weight, dead space and stagnant energy. If you want to get in the flow, you have to discard all the shit which no longer serves you.

 

Enter reflection and practicing the art of letting go.

So, I sat there with pen, paper, and vulnerable heart, uncluttered mind and a prayer for understanding, change and a new wind to send me into 2014 with the easiest of breeze.

I made a 2013 list, highlights of each month, which allowed to truly jar how 2013 really went down.

I let those moments soak in my bones, breathed in the parts that were of joy and the flashes where I felt shattered, oh especially the shattered ones.

The shattered is where I grew, that is where I thought I was living in some weird nightmare at times, that is where I fell upon my knees in prayer and that is where you either stay in park, or you surrender and allow the Divine to take the lead. 

 

That is where the unpacking begins and uncorking of loving energy flows wherever you need it to.

 

I finished with the list of what I’m allowing in 2014 –what it felt like to me is the clothes you put away are the lessons you learned, you really got it this time and anything that didn’t fit or seasons changed, you put away for now.

It may fit again and seasons are always changing. That is the ebb and flow of life.

 

If this calls to your spirit, grab a pen and paper, write out your previous year – take in all of the moments – high, low and everything in between.

Call it into your soul, and use all that molded you into you this year and drop the stuff in your luggage which weighs you down and allow the good stuff to rise and bring that forth into 2014, so it truly can be your best year yet. 

 

 

Love + Cheers to 2014,

Keli

CONTINUE READING

How To Handle A Destination Disease Flare-Up

 

 

“If we are always arriving and departing, it is also true that we are eternally anchored. One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.”

— Henry Miller

 

My eighty-one year old father has dementia (yet, his devilish sense of humor is still highly intact, thank God) and he will repetitiously ask, “Where are we going?” and “What are we doing today?” over and over and over.

It doesn’t matter if we are at home watching television, or in the car on the way to some place, that is the question, which is spoken at least every minute or so at times.

 

The first couple of times he questions us we will reassure him and explain in detail the “itinerary” (as he likes to call it) of the day. After about the 4th or 5th time we answer him, my brother and I tend to remark to him, “Enjoy the journey, dad.

And, it is with that little prompting statement my father usually chuckles and says, “Oh, I’ve already asked a couple times haven’t I?”

He will usually laugh and ninety seconds later ask the identical questions yet again. 

 

It’s quite a ride with him sometimes and I would not change it for the world, but this isn’t a story about my father, it is about the words in which I tell him about ‘enjoying the journey’ I should be in fact, telling myself this very statement. 

 

When I was having a heart-to-heart with my brother about moving back to Colorado from Santa Barbara and all of the hopes and dreams we had in moving out there, he said to me, “Keli, you have Destination Disease.

He didn’t even have to explain what he meant it hit me at gut level.

 

I felt in that moment I should have marched down to some meeting for “Destination Disease-r’s,” introduce myself and say, “Hi, my name is Keli and I was just diagnosed with Destination Disease, now the fuck what…oh wait, let me paint you a picture. Where are the markers?”

And then I envisioned somebody bitch slapping me back into the present moment and that would happen over and over until I was able to relax into NOW without future trippin’.

 

Ever since that conversation with my brother I was unable to get those words and that vision out of my head.

 

As the time has passed since we moved back from Santa Barbara and we are truly rebuilding our lives from ground zero, those ‘Destination Disease’ words would pop into my world from time to time.

As I embarked on a new journey back into the “work world” this week and I was getting ready for the day, my Destination Disease flared like the biggest pimple right before taking senior pictures.

 

These are some of the thoughts that were running through my noggin’ (and boy did they run the spectrum)…

“What if they don’t like me?”

“Is this my purpose in life?”

“Am I settling if I stay here for a long time?”

“Am I giving up on my dreams by getting a j-o-b?”

“Do I really know enough to work in this position?”

“What if I love what I’m doing and want to stay there forever?”

“Will I have time to work on my business?”

“I haven’t been in the career world in over a year, will I know how to act?”

“How am I going to handle clocking in and out of a job?”

 

 

These are but some of the thoughts I had circling around up there, but you wanna know what stopped me dead in my tracks?

Those damn words I always spew to my dad, “Enjoy the journey.”

 

 

So, I stood there, looking at myself in the mirror as I got ready for my first day of work and inhaled a gigantic deep breath and then exhaled every thought that was swarming around me, and released it into the ether. 

I told myself to enjoy this journey, here in the moment, here in the now, said a prayer for God to release me of any expectations I might be holding within me and any thoughts that would tie me to the future or “big picture” as I would always call it.

 

I sent prayers up for this moment and this experience to be divinely guided exactly where I am meant to be and offered myself up to be of service to others on that day.

And guess what? I felt light as a feather.

 

The day went smoothly and since that day I have not forgot that feeling of weightlessness from releasing myself from the future + destination of anything, yet surrendering to the wonder and divinity of God.

 

It was truly a life changing moment for me and it has stuck with me every day and every moment since. Crazy, beautiful ride. 

 

 

What about you – do you tussle with future trippin’?

Are you in constant thought about what is going to happen next, tomorrow, 1 year, 5 years, 20 years down the road?

If you are struggling with Destination Disease and desire some more grounding in the present here are a few tips and tricks on how to live in the now:

1.)  Recognize – become aware you are future trippin’ and that you are indeed having a flare-up of Destination Disease.

2.)  Call yourself out and simply say, “Enjoy the journey.” (These 3 words are life changers; don’t underestimate the power of these babies.)

3.)  Take a few deep breaths and as you exhale, imagine all of your trippin’ thoughts floating down a river.

4.)  Pray, meditate, request (whatever you do to connect to God/Divine/Universe/Source) to be released from any thoughts which do not serve you in this moment.  

I pray something like: 

“Dear Divine Beloved, please release me from any thoughts which do not serve me in this moment and please center me to the present anytime I might be living in the future where it is not serving me.” 

You can pray anything that feels light to you.

5.)  Offer your life to service and to be used for the highest good. I’m not sure if it is Marianne Williamson or A Course in Miracles that offers this prayer, but it says, “Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? And what miracles (a shift in perception from fear to love) would you have me perform today?” I use this one often and it always helps me get out of my “me, me, me” mind and move into how I can be of service today. 

 

 

 

Love + more love,

Keli xo

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