When “Good” Doesn’t Equal “Right” In A Relationship
I recall transferring clothes from the washer to the dryer one day in my early 20’s while in the midst of a rollercoaster of emotions – fresh off of a break-up and deep in my own thought and honestly, extreme heartache.
I was scratching the wounds of no longer being in my first – almost two-year, “adult” relationship I experienced.
The drama was small surrounding our parting of ways, but it wasn’t my first rodeo either. I had experienced a break-up before (hello, First Love – nothing like that feeling to bring you to your knees) + I had other relationships in between.
But, this one, well – it was one of my longest + most mature – the dude was five years older than me + at that time (me being in my early 20’s + him being on the opposite end of them) – what drew us together, in the end, also threw us apart.
As I stood there in the laundry area, feeling like my heart was truly outside my body – pumping + aching simultaneously – I thought about how it would actually feel to be back together and oddly enough…it did not light me up.
Despite my emotions of sadness and reeling from life as I knew it for the last two years, thinking about being a couple again was not making me feel any better.
And then at the perfect moment a thought of clarity struck me like only the Divine truly can: “Kel, just because it’s ‘good’ doesn’t mean it’s ‘right’ for you anymore.”
Growth, sister. Growth. It’s painful as fuck, but if you just go there, it brings you to a place of knowing yourself more than you ever have and without sounding all airy-fairy, full of rainbows indeed.
I thought + felt it out:
“He’s a good guy.”
“We had a good relationship.”
“He treated me right.”
“We were trying to build a life + future together.”
“We had our shit together.”
“We rarely argued. Well, except those last 6 months.”
I had to think again why it’s not right for me?!
And as growth does to you – it bitchslapped me – I was indeed feeling the sentiments of a break-up.
Any damn time you intimately open yourself up to someone for a prolonged period, how the hell can you not feel like your soul is a little (or a lot) shattered (temporarily)?
However, growth was shouting at me by honing in on the ‘why do I not feel better thinking about us being back together?’ thing + it was trying to tell me that I/we had outgrown each other.
Don’t confuse your legitimate feelings of grief (sadness, regret, what if’s, pain in your heart) with ACTING on those emotions. They are most definitely temporary, so perhaps envision yourself, like I did, back together and if that doesn’t light you up, that’s a major sign growth is occurring.
Look, it’s not a “bad” thing that you have outgrown something or someone – I like to hold major gratitude for that person/situation and be super appreciative for what I learned + experienced in that time and for the person I became through it all.
I’ve had many conversations with friends going through a break-up, or on the fence with whether to stay or go in a relationship, and every time they tell me their mediocre story of how “good” someone is/was to them, I usually ask – “But, does the thought of being together again light you up?”
And if the answer is no, or there is doubt or hesitation – I let them know that just because something or someone is “good” doesn’t mean it’s “right” for them anymore.
Walk through the temporary pain of the present moment + growth will fuel you through the journey of knowing yourself more deeply.
Love + Lighting Up,