The hubs and I were having a heart to heart one night and reminiscing, actually we were more than reminiscing….we were deep soul diving into what we had experienced in moving to Santa Barbara, CA and abruptly moving back home to Colorado not too long ago.
It was one of those late night chats you didn’t see comin’, but end up being exactly what you needed. The soul always knows.
We lay there openly expressing how we viewed that special, as well as heartbreaking time in our life, from a vision of better understanding now that we were getting settled and feeling less rocky in the rebuilding stage of that ride.
And because our relationship is based upon raw, no-matter-what-this-has-to-be-said-communication, we were free flowing in the depth of our heart whispers and soul diving in piecing together how to wrap our minds (and hearts) around that time in our life…
Moving to Santa Barbara was something I had to work out in my atmosphere.
That knock on my heart to head west to California had been placed upon my core since I was a little girl and although I tried numerous times to fulfill that desire, it didn’t happen….until what I saw as the perfect opportunity presenting itself.
In the name of being wildly open and honest with each other I was so pulled to moving to California that I told my husband continuously, “I have to do this for me and I don’t expect you to come with me, but I have to do this, or I will be a very unhappy person if I don’t give this a go.”
In his mind that had divorce written all over it, but in my eager brain, it was just a soul journey that had to be fulfilled to the highest.
We were married for about three years with a two-year old in tow and the hubs (at times with much kicking and screaming in the beginning) gave me the blessing for us to trek our asses out west in pursuit of my own dreams, but also to help ease my spirit in regards to California.
And so we did…
after giving away and selling every tangible item we owned except what would fit in a car we took the leap of faith to Santa Barbara, CA with no real plans in place and so much hope and optimism to what could be.
We were blindly, blissfully happy for this new chapter in our lives.
We safely landed in paradise and began to make SB our home.
However, four months later after the money from business ventures didn’t come in as fast as it was going out, we were snappishly driving back home to Colorado in a rental car (again with minimal belongings), but this time with so much despair and uneasy emotions that just pierced our hearts over and over and zero dollars to our name. (Hey, I know you are probably wondering, “WTF happened out there?”, simmah down…over time the deets shall be revealed, ya dig?).
My husband always refers to our relationship as the unstoppable force (me) and the immovable object (him) living out our lives together…and that is probably the best way to describe us. Ok, back to the story. 😉
So, here we were pillow-talking late one night and expressing and reflecting how we felt NOW about Santa Barbara and seeing it through the eyes of more understanding and maturity.
I remarked to him numerous times that, “I knew you never wanted to go out there and you were happy here in Colorado, but it’s something I had to do for my soul, so thank you for making that sacrifice.”
And then I said what I felt was my truth, “…because I’m not sure I would have done the same for you, ya know? And that makes me feel, well, I’m not sure. But, I just had to be raw and honest with you.”
At that point, instead of him getting upset or hurt because I expressed that I may not have been able to do what he did for me and the family, he broke his heart spaced decision down so vividly, there was nothing left for me to wonder.
He explained eloquently…
He asked me if I remember that part in the movie with Robin Williams, “What Dreams May Come” where Robin Williams literally goes to hell to find his wife (who committed suicide) because he didn’t want to experience heaven without her.
I acknowledged that part and the movie and he said…
“That is how I feel. I would rather go through hell with you than experience heaven without you…even if that means self-sacrifice in some areas. And everyone’s hell is different; so don’t beat yourself up because of what I was willing to do. You just never know until you are there.”
And in that moment, I loved him even more.
Just like California was something my soul had to do…my husband explained going with me was what HIS soul had to do, even if it might have been his own hell – it was heaven to him as well.
As I write all of this it sounds almost like some mushy love story, but if you asked the hubs and me we would never categorize ourselves like that.
We always thought we were too real, too raw, too “above” the usual flowers and cards stuff.
Turns out, we had a depth AND mad love expressed in our own unique way…just like you: irreplaceable and distinctive with full expression in your own way…’cause baby you were born this way (yes, I just quoted Lady Gaga).
What my heart knew in that moment was my hell could be your heaven and vice versa. We all have our own voyage to sail and lessons to learn.
My hubs reinforced something I had forgot…vulnerability is beautiful and I should partake in it far more often in life.
I fell in love with that man again that night and it reignited in me that every journey is sacred and there is no such thing as mistakes or failures, just chances to learn and grow.
Because if we stop doing that we stop living.
Love + To Hell and Back,