How To Honor Where You Are In Your Journey

 

Adhering to labels pretty much sucks.

Especially if they’re your own self-adhesive labels placed upon you, by YOU.

 

After declaring myself a “free spirit” and all “wanderlusty” most of my life, when I started not feeling like traveling + enjoying my couch more than hopping on a plane, I found myself confused, judgmental and well, pissed – at ME.

 

I spiraled down a hole of self-judgment full of tangles I couldn’t get out of in my mind. I was questioning myself, questioning life, questioning the journey I’ve been on thus far. I was experiencing a huge ass web of question marks.

 

I would be cuddled up so cozy on my couch talking to a girlfriend on the phone as she invited me to some fun activities out of town + although it sounded pretty cool, my soul was like, “sttttaaaaayyy home, woman!”

 

Enter mass perplexity again.

 

After this, ‘girlfriend invites me somewhere fun + my soul rejects it’ thing happened a couple more times, I knew I had to explore what was really going on with me.

 

I recall free rambling (aka: talking out loud without thinking about what I’m going to say – my best form of therapy) to my husband about what I was feeling around all this.

 

As I purged it all out into the ether, my hubs was like, “Stop judging yourself + just let it be!”

I felt like, wowsa, there is some truth right there.

 

When I dropped the judgment, I freed my spirit to roar loud. I opened up the heavenly gates to love + clarity + acceptance.

 

I realized most of my life I had been wanderlust-ing everywhere and anywhere I wanted and the last two years of my life, I had intensely travelled more than I ever had.

 

For the first time in two years, my husband and I were living in our own housenot with anyone else, or under someone else’s roof – and I was actually basking in that.

 

I hadn’t grasped that I was so in love with where I was now, that I was actually judging my new voyage because it wasn’t the “label” I had stuck on me years earlier.

 

After having that awareness, I was able to articulate to my soul sisters why I really wasn’t lit up to travel out of town + I didn’t judge myself for stating my truth.

 

Because that is ALL it is: my truth, in that moment. No more. No less.

Don’t make it complicated, ‘ya here!

 

And I also didn’t get stuck in compartmentalizing shiz either. I just told myself; this is me now, not forever. I can change my mind at any time + I know, I probably will. I let myself off the hook. Try it, sometime – it’s super frickin’ freeing!

 

Honoring where we are, right in this moment, is like giving the Divine a sweet smack on the ass for the sacred journey we’re on.

 

 

 

Love + Sweet Smacks,

Keli

CONTINUE READING

Why Self-Care Is Non-Negotiable For A Joyful Life

 

I always wanted (ok, still kinda do) to be a rock star.

Turns out, I WAS one, but didn’t even know it; I was just going about it in a different way.

 

In lieu of singing from the stage, I’ve had intense periods of going non-stop from the moment I woke up + barely stopping, to go to sleep.

I recall times in my 20’s when I would tell myself that I was being “lazy” if I stayed home on my day off, and I don’t mean go out of the house for leisure, I meant “do something, be productive, woman!”

Like most rock stars that party hard, they eventually crash + burn. And I have had plenty rock star landings to know when I need to wake-up.

Over time, I have become more aware of my desire to put others needs above mine.

 

And what happens when you are aware? You can choose, baby! So, I did.

 

You may, or may not know, that I am the caregiver for my 82-year old father. He has slight dementia, yet has not lost much of his humorous personality + his health is stellar (thank God!). (CLICK HERE to read my blog about him + his dementia + our relationship.)

You see, I love my dad with every fiber of my BEing. We are super connected + I can definitely lose myself in taking care of him at times.

This last week, he seemed a bit “off” to me and honestly; it scared the shit out of me.

And since I had been stroking my soul by reading A Course In Miracles + I just finished Marianne Williamson’s book, “A Return To Love” I knew me being scared was fear talking.

 

A Course In Miracles states that, “A miracle is a shift in perception from fear to love” (and love = God/ Universe/ Source/ Cosmos/ Spirit/ Divinity/ Soul, whatever your heart desires to call it) + all the fearful perceptions I had about my dad were where fear was blocking love.

I had some choices to make in that moment of awareness + as I stood there in my kitchen with a heavy heart, I had a knowing that all peace begins with me.

I chose to offer what I was feeling to the Divine, turn that fear over + pray it out.

 

I said something like, “Divine Love, if this is part of my fathers progression with dementia, please fill me with your grace, peace + love for this journey. If this is just an off day for dad, help me see that clearly. Guide me to change my perception from fear to love.”

I offered that prayer to The Divine over + over, anytime I felt fear taking over.

And, as I stood in the kitchen, not long after I repeated the offering, a very clear + distinct voice jolted me, “Just take care of yourself.”

I was like, “Whhhhaaaaat?! This is NOT the ‘answer’ I was looking for – me no understand.”

 

But, the voice didn’t stop. It followed me every step that I took, so I prayed for more guidance + clarity.

 

Then it hit me – If I can’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of my dad (or anyone else for that matter). Boom – thank you sweet Divinity!

 

That cosmic bitchslap pierced my soul like only truth knows how + that’s when you know the Universe always has your back.

 

After that soul-shake I drank more water, prayed a little more, sat down to eat and fussed less over dad + what do ya know? It was just an “off” day for him.

Times when we experience contrast remind us of what we want and don’t want + then we can get to choosing that which lights us up – again and again and again.

 

Here are some of my favorite self-care starters + soul stirrers; take whatever lights you up, if you desire.

 

  • Meditation: I turn on my Deepak Chopra app “Living In Love” (my favorite – it has a timer + great music) and I try to spend at least 10 minutes, twice a day allowing the Divine to speak to my soul.
  • Journaling: Pen + paper + blank space = perfection to me. Sometimes I leave everything out on the paper, other times it’s a sweet reflection, and recently I’ve been jotting down all the offerings I make + then I get to “answer” them with what came of the offering. It’s like a magic carpet ride for your spirit.
  • A Course In Miracles: this book by The Foundation for Inner Peace, is life changing + every time I get away from myself and allow fear to permeate my pores, I know I need me some miracles! SIDE NOTE: ACIM can be hard to digest at first – Marianne Williamson wrote her nice, easy to take in version called, “A Return To Love” which I highly recommend. Gabrielle Bernstein is another super rad chick to get to know if you dig these teachings, meditation and authenticity!
  • Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte: if you are into creating goals with soul, this book is your bible. Life changing for me + I always go back to it, over and over again.
  • Crystals, Mala’s, Hippie’s Delight: rev up the light, go deep with desire, let it all go. Breathe in love, exhale love. These babies keep it real. One of my fave retailers for all things hippie + holy are Tiny Devotions. 
  • Spa Time: I actually allowed myself some “me” time + said “hell yes!” to some beautifying – go make the appointment + show up, sister.

 

 

Love + Listening To Your Intuition,

Keli

CONTINUE READING

The BIG Differences In Venting vs. Complaining

 

Have you ever had a shitty day?

*Handful of hands up in the air*

 

I’m talking the kind of day where adult conversation wasn’t a big part of your life.

I know I’m not the only one.

 

Recently, my hubs came home from work and I started venting to him about the day I had with my dad (82 years young w/ slight dementia), as well as my larger than life spit-fire, (more like igniting volcanoes) 4-year old.

The hubs and I were standing in the kitchen as I was spewing my frustrations over a sassy, let’s-argue-about-the-sky-being blue, kiddo that I had been dealing with all morning long.

When the steam finally stopped coming out of my ears, my husband looked at me and said, “I don’t understand, you always say how much you love your life, but it sounds to me like you’re complaining about it.”

My first response was, “No, I’m not complaining; I’m just venting! There’s a difference.”

 

Cricket. Cricket.

 

Shit…Is there a difference, I thought.

 

Yes there is.

Big differences in venting vs. complaining is this: 

Complaining is chronic. Venting is therapeutic.

 

Here’s how Complaining may appear:

  • Complaining has no end result – it can last an entire conversation, or an entire lifetime.
  • Complaining wants to breed more complaining and may love playing the victim.
  • Complaining can be about one topic the rest of eternity (enter: unresolved rage, anger, complacency).
  • Complaining wants to stay right where the complaint is and not work through it; it loves infancy and thriving off of problems, not solutions.

 

The good news is there is a totally cool option to complaining: VENTING!

 

Yeah, baby – sweet, mother of Venting can be healing, here’s how:

  • Venting is like a teapot: blow steam when heated up, but you don’t stay steaming.
  • Venting loves solutions: sometimes we have to get our internal dialogue into the ether (especially if it’s emotion fueled + soul rumbling).
  • Venting is usually intentional: express your anger, get pissed about that thing, unhinge it off your chest, but don’t live there – erupt + move on.
  • Venting can be an energetic release: like I said, erupt + move on. When feelings are vented in a safe place with peeps that can honor your gush of emotion (and probably help you work through it) – THAT is a release that is orgasm worthy.

 

Venting is soul worthy of release; complaining is spirit heavy with stagnancy. Choose your liberation carefully. 

 

 

Love + Venting My Soul Out,

Keli

CONTINUE READING

How To Embrace Your Child

Ava’s Fierce Outfit Pic Of The Day is brought to you by:

I’M. SO. FANCY! 

Ava's-Fierce-Outfit

 

 

 

 

 

When she came busting in the shower today to show me her “fancy” outfit, I truly couldn’t wait to slide the shower door open and see what she had on, but it wasn’t always like that. 

For a time, her + I would argue over her outfits – she loved anything mismatched + dressed up in full regalia – while I loved all things simple & put together.

I would stand there in a tinge of repulse when she would string together her outfit, but I knew that wasn’t serving either of us.

As I started peeling back the onion of WTF was up with ME – I realized I was scared of what other parents would think of my child dressed the way she was + well, what kind of parent lets her kid out of the house like that, geezo!

And of course, deep down, I knew that was so bullshit, so I started accepting Ava’s clothing choices exactly as she is – wild + fancy!

I wanted Ava to be excited for the way she chose to express herself + not be met with a mom that “didn’t approve.”

Of course, life is cyclical and I also remembered, in perfect timing, that I was in fact, the same damn way! I knew suppressing her creativity was soul death. 

So, now, when she dresses herself + walks in the bathroom to show me her outfit (shoes on wrong feet + all) – she is met with cheers & love…

Because THAT is who she is in that moment – FIERCE + FAB and may we all be celebrated for who we are in each moment.

 

Love + Loving Her Fierce and Fabness, 

Keli

CONTINUE READING

A Credo For Sparking Your Soul

 

You will survive.

You will conquer.

You will overcome.

You will make it through the day.

You will see the light.

You will love again.

You will heal.

You will make it.

You will get there.

 

You will BE more than WILL, actually.

You ARE.

 

Because your spirit is worth more than surviving – it’s here to thrive.

 

You ARE worth every breath, even if it is short, exasperated and/or cursed at.

 

You’re not fractured or broken; your specs of shatteredness allow the light to shine on the spaces within that need love. 

 

Your light is always there:

Pull back the curtain.

Open up the window.

Let the sun shine upon you + the breeze blow out the fear.

 

Because, actually…

You ARE surviving.

You ARE conquering.

You ARE overcoming.

You ARE making it through the day.

You ARE seeing the light.

You ARE loving again.

You ARE healing.

You ARE making it.

You ARE getting there.

 

Do you know that whatever you’re feeling is not in some far-off land?

It’s in this very moment, right now.

 

Have a crappy mood, revel in your crisis of the moment, freak out about something, scream, cry, lose your shit, but it’s not a matter of WILL you survive after that time – it’s that you ARE surviving this temporary state.

 

You’re already half way there, so keep going.

Don’t drop off now – just keep moving, even if it hurts.

 

Honor yourself + your journey by showing up.

Because…

You ARE worthy, dammit.

 

Love + Lighting That Spark,

Keli

CONTINUE READING

7 Soul Stirring Lessons I Learned From My Mother’s Death

 

My mom’s birthday was on February 15th. She would have been 60-years old. That hit me hard when I did the math and my heart skipped a beat while I let that settle into my bones.

Sixty years old, damn.

Eight years have passed like a true classroom education. However, instead of paying tuition with coinage, this school was paid in revolting screams + chest rising tears + full body upheavals of emotion and life pivots that took me down several roads I was not the least confident in.

Eight years ago I bared witness as my mother gasped and then exhaled her last earthly breath. Cancer was the door that opened her to the afterlife. I was 24 years old and had no idea the tsunami of emotions and cataclysms that life was about to throw my way.

Left with an awkward, gaping hole in my heart from not only my mothers death, but from the last twenty-four tumultuous, heartbreaking years with a woman I finally felt like I was getting to know and love again.

Our relationship was a painful mess for most of my life. She was unequipped to be a parent; battling her own demons as she rode hard down the lane of self destruction, addiction, major depression and emotional unavailability – which was the most agonizing one for me.

I felt like physically, I had a mother, but emotionally, she was rarely there. The constant arguing with her, and the raging anger she released frequently, coupled with a major lack of connection with my own mother, sent me packing my bags out of a very dysfunctional upbringing at fourteen years old. I moved in with my older brother (like, 18 years older brother) and his family seeking a functional, safe atmosphere.

The next time my mother and I had any contact was about 6 years later when she ended up in the psych ward for an attempted suicide/pill overdose.

I recall bringing her some belongings, angrily asking her why she did what she did and then wanting to get the hell outta there.

She left that place soon after our interaction and ended up dating some guy for a couple of years.

 

When I had not spoken with my dad for a few days (which was SUPER rare at that time because him and I spoke on the daily), it was then that he spilled the beans that my mom had returned and asked my dad if she could stay with him while she got her feet on the ground.

I completely lost my shit because my dad actually obliged her request. Turns out, her moving back was the open door my soul needed to grow within that relationship, even though I could not see it at the time.

Over time and digging deep within myself and doing some maaaaaa-jor Soul Work, I was finally at a place where her and I were jiving and loving and most of all forgiving…of the rollercoaster and heart entanglements that was our wounded relationship.

I felt like finally, I had a “mom” again – she had a job, she was fully functional in everyday life and the drug stuff was no longer there. And she was very sincerely apologetic for the whole beautiful mess that encapsulated our journey thus far.

My heart was opening, sun was shining in the cracks of the broken parts of my heart, and joy for where we were, was settling in.

And then she broke the news in May/2007: Stage 3-4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.

Doctors, hospitals and chemo soon consumed her life and most definitely, mine.

 

On July 28th, 2007 – two months after her diagnosis – she was gone. So began one of the largest revolutions that my soul would take on in my life.

 

Here are some of the deep, wound uncovering, lessons learned from my moms death:

 

1.  Parents (especially moms) are human too.

I had these ginormous expectations for my mom, especially because all of my other friend’s parents appeared to be able to function quite well. Parents are just grown children. We are all doing the best with what we have and know.

I realized my moms rough, drug-fueled childhood and lack of healthy coping mechanisms were a perfect storm for being emotionally unavailable as a mother + human being as well.

Honor their journey; even if you have to love them from a distance while/if they work their own demons out this go around. My mom finally came around through the fog, but it was much later in life, definitely not when I wanted her to, but when her journey called for it. You just never know.

2.  Anger kills you, not them.

When I moved out at fourteen, I thought I was “showing” my mom something. Like, if I move out, that would be the most painful thing for her, but it wasn’t. I was soooooo fucking angry with her for not caring that she “lost” her daughter and it didn’t seem to bother her. I thought the angrier I got, the more it would hurt her. Until one day, my brother said, “All of that anger you have isn’t killing her, it’s killing you.” That’s all he needed to say – I totally got it and dropped the anger from that moment on.

 3.  I am not my mom.

We all have our own unique journey. When I was little, I would seize up in thought that I would be an emotionally disconnected woman, with raging addictions backed with enough anger to fill a stadium. Deep down I knew better though. I am not my mother, or anything else which doesn’t light my soul up.

We all have the ability to choose because choice creates possibility.   

I also did not want to be a mother because of her. I thought that if I didn’t have a great mother role model, how would I know how to be a good mom? I would speak this fear to my sister from time to time and one day she said, “I get that Kel, but guess what you do know? All the things NOT to do.”  Again, some soul lights went off inside me and well, now, I am a mom + doing things WAY different and loving the sacred journey of motherhood.

4.  I chose this.

My spiritual journey really amped up and began to unfold after my mom’s death. I became super curious about all things death, the afterlife, reincarnation, etc. I devoured soulful books and listened to Wayne Dyer like he was my new favorite rock star boyfriend. Wayne dropped a spiritual bomb on me one day when he said that before incarnating into this current life, that…WE CHOSE OUR PARENTS. I was like, “whhhhhaaaaaaat?!” And wondered why in the hell we would do that, especially why would I have chosen this crazy-ass relationship with my mom. Simple answer: for our souls growth. For some of us, the choosing of our parents is one of the most in-your-face lessons we can learn in a lifetime.

I know it might sound cray to someone who hasn’t heard that theory, but for me, I was totally pickin’ up what Wayne was throwing down. I felt like, yep, my higher self totally chose this relationship to help grow me in ways I would not have. Because I moved out at fourteen, I grew up super fast, which served me for the better many times in life. Silver linings everywhere + everything is happening FOR us, not against us.

5.  Don’t become the ice queen.

If you’ve seen the Disney movie Frozen, well, I could have been Elsa: the queen who shuts everyone out of her life because she doesn’t know how to use her powers/gifts. Elsa ends up freezing her small country + tries to run anyone off who comes her way, especially her sister.

Because I was rockin’ some major trust issues (hello, if you can’t trust your own mama, who the hell can you trust, was my thinking), I was so quick to dismiss, throw in the towel early and walk away and never look back. I rarely allowed myself to feel my feelings and this had me running from anything that scratched an emotion in me.

It wasn’t until I sought some grief counseling after my mom passed that I was able to work through it. I recall asking my counselor, “Ok, now that I’ve identified my issue with just closing everyone off and shutting them out, how do I fix that?”

That sweet gray haired beauty, chalk full of wisdom, broke it down for me and pretty much said that those walls are my bag in life, so-to-speak, and my work is in being aware and conscious of them and choosing differently in my knee-jerk reaction to wall building. I felt like a weight was lifted when she said that: awareness creates choice.

6.  Accept + forgive quickly.

When my mom and I finally reached this sweet spot in our relationship and then she died soon after, I was overcome with so much guilt that it paralyzed me for a long time.

I so wished that I would have not been so stubborn all of those years + truly opened myself up to viewing my mom as another BEing on their own journey.

If you are where I am and you are open to it, send love to the person you feel wounded by and bless their journey. It doesn’t mean that you have to take on their shit, create healthy boundaries, but send them love, so you can also feel that love.

7.  Hurricanes are temporary.

After my mom died I felt like I was in the midst of a hurricane and my feet were barely dangling here on earth. I experienced this feeling of being in the eye of a storm, totally out of touch with reality and a complete brain fog that wouldn’t clear.

I chose some very interesting relationship choices at that time, all for comfort in some form. The man I had been in a relationship with when my mom passed, I found myself running away from because I couldn’t handle giving of myself emotionally at all, but then I would run back to him because he was a soft place to land. It was heart wrenching for both of us to walk through that time.

Seeing clearly now, I could have saved myself and so many others loads of heartache if I would have just focused on myself and not tried to feed my void with emotional comfort from a person or relationship.

At that time, I could not see but what was right in front of me, perhaps that is the expedition of healing, but having the lucidity I do now: seek and heal yourself first – the rest will fall into place.

xxoo,

Keli

 

CONTINUE READING

A Letter To My Younger Self

Hey girl,

It’s me, Kel — your older self — talking to your twenty-two-year-old self.

Do you recall her?

Ripe age of twenty-two, full of angst to fulfill her purpose and loaded with a quivering confidence.

I’m 32 now. Crazy, right?

I’m married, with a four-year-old and STILL trying to maneuver this purpose thing.

Sit down 22-year-old Kel, rest easy child, let’s go for a soul stroll. I want to whisper some schoolings to you that I’ve picked up along the way.

Let’s chat, shall we?

Sister, Chill The Fuck Out.
Like seriously.

Enjoy your life right now, at an age you will never be again.
Quit worrying so much about your “purpose.” It will all work itself out. You ARE living your purpose just by BEing you.

Enjoy The Journey.
Quit chasing the future, it will come soon enough.

Never Say Never.
Shit will change – your mind, your thoughts, your environment. Roll with it. Don’t get stuck in something you’ve “always” told yourself. Be open to the beautiful unfolding that is life.

And above all, choose the soul whisper; it knows what’s up. (Hint, hint: quit saying you don’t believe in marriage or kids and that you don’t want either: your bitch-ass will get married to a phenomenal man + you both will bring forth a breathtaking old soul of a child).

Feel. Cry. Erupt. Move On…rinse + repeat.
Quit running away from your feelings and shutting everyone out that scratches an emotion in you.
Sit with the dark side, usher in the shadows and let it permeate the soul, allow the rain to wash away which no longer serves you + be open to the sun healing all which has broken wide open.

Keep Your Edge Though.
Don’t ever dim that light which shines so bright, Sister.
Your presence is magnifying + your love is worthy.
Keep showing up just the way you are.

 

Love you like crazy,

The Pot Of Gold At The End Of The Rainbow

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