On what would have been your 61st trip around the sun, I woke up with questions swirling my orbit and I couldn’t help but talk to the cosmos about it…
Questions For Heaven –
I wonder how much joy you’d have being a grandma.
I wonder how many giggles you and your granddaughter would have racked up by now.
I wonder how my life would be different with your help dealing with dad and his dementia.
I wonder what your day-to-day life would look like – where would you be going? What career would you have pursued? How much farther would you have climbed?
I wonder how much more healing we would have experienced in our relationship –
Would I call you everyday?
Would we plant a garden every year?
Would you have taken over every small detail while planning my wedding?
Would you have cared about gift bags at my baby shower?
Would you’ve done the little things like party favors and centerpieces that I think are useless?
I wonder the amount of love you’d have for the man who loves me as much as I love myself.
Mostly though, because of your earthly departure, I wonder if I’d even be who I am today – with all the bruises, scars and my own Phoenix Rising –
Would I still be trying to shut people out and ice my heart so I can’t feel emotions?
Would I still be running away from people when times got tough and I just wanted to be selfish and worry only about myself?
And then my wonder turns to appreciation.
Because I know your beaming up to heaven was the greatest burning up in my own flames and eventual rebirth I could have ever experienced — although you couldn’t have told me that at the time.
So, when I try to answer those heart-panging questions, I sit with gratitude and immense appreciation for the journey that even brought me to these questions…
Because it means I have most definitely grown, and more often than not, sat in my feelings and chose to stay with them, as well as not running away from anything or anyone who brought up emotion in me.
Some questions are better left unanswered and some journeys are better for it.
Love + Rebirth + Sitting In Wonder,
P.S. – If you’ve lost a loved one, especially your mother, the book, “Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss” by Hope Edelman changed my world and was an enormous resource for my grief and healing journey.