The Most Profound Awareness I Had In Therapy
A couple intense sessions in and I was, again – like I did most Monday’s, sitting across from the gray-haired, soft spoken lady who guided me as I tried to make sense of not only my mothers death, but my entire frickin’ childhood.
We were at the point where I had discovered some hard truths about how I operated thus far in life and we were navigating a new way to steer the ship – one that was in alignment with who I was now and what I knew now.
I was ecstatic with the newfound awareness’s I was having about myself, so being the extreme Capricorn I tend to be, I sat there with so much vim and vigor and spewed to her:
“Ok, now that I know what I know about myself, that I build walls to keep people out, but it’s really just suffocating me, how do I, like, eradicate those walls? I want to be done with this issue already!”
She laughed – hard and from her belly and then broke it down for me:
“Oh dear, you won’t be eradicating walls – that’s your bag in life honey! Your work is in being aware that you have those walls and gently trying to take them down. Think of it like a drawbridge – your reaction has been for the drawbridge/walls/heart to shut quickly – but now, with awareness and choice, you can bring the drawbridge up slowly, or not at all – over and over and over again.”
And then I sat there on a dark red, antique looking couch – stunned.
It hit me like only truth + profound awareness does – with full body shivers and goose bumps the size of my eyeballs: there are some issues/challenges in life that we can’t just snap our fingers or wiggle our nose and be done with it, as much as we want to.
And that’s completely cool because when equipped with the awareness of the situation and then select choices in accordance to how we want to grow (and not stay stuck) – that’s where the magic happens. That’s how we become who we want to be and feel how we want to feel.
I recall walking out of that session and feeling as free and weightless as a feather because in that moment, I felt like I had my power back – a power I didn’t even know was missing.
It’s been years since my mom passed and those meetings with that sweet counselor who gently nudged me along to heal and grow, as I am still continuing to choose development over shriveling.
The journey of life may not always be easy, but I’ve found it ultimately gets better when we choose to grow instead of shrink because then we’re no longer stuck in first gear – movement creates possibility + being gentle on ourselves along the way makes the road a kinder place to travel.
Letting Down The Walls + Therapy That Heals,