There I was perusing the Internet like the mature 30-something that I am, scrolling through my Facebook feed as I wondered why I even placed my thumb on that blue icon on my iPhone in the first place — political rant after political rant — blah, blah and another blah. Finally my eyes saw a post about love…
On what would have been your 61st trip around the sun, I woke up with questions swirling my orbit and I couldn’t help but talk to the cosmos about it…
Questions For Heaven –
I wonder how much joy you’d have being a grandma.
I wonder how many giggles you and your granddaughter would have racked up by now.
I wonder how my life would be different with your help dealing with dad and his dementia.
I wonder what your day-to-day life would look like – where would you be going? What career would you have pursued? How much farther would you have climbed?
I wonder how much more healing we would have experienced in our relationship –
Would I call you everyday?
Would we plant a garden every year?
Would you have taken over every small detail while planning my wedding?
Would you have cared about gift bags at my baby shower?
Would you’ve done the little things like party favors and centerpieces that I think are useless?
I wonder the amount of love you’d have for the man who loves me as much as I love myself.
Mostly though, because of your earthly departure, I wonder if I’d even be who I am today – with all the bruises, scars and my own Phoenix Rising –
Would I still be trying to shut people out and ice my heart so I can’t feel emotions?
Would I still be running away from people when times got tough and I just wanted to be selfish and worry only about myself?
And then my wonder turns to appreciation.
Because I know your beaming up to heaven was the greatest burning up in my own flames and eventual rebirth I could have ever experienced — although you couldn’t have told me that at the time.
So, when I try to answer those heart-panging questions, I sit with gratitude and immense appreciation for the journey that even brought me to these questions…
Because it means I have most definitely grown, and more often than not, sat in my feelings and chose to stay with them, as well as not running away from anything or anyone who brought up emotion in me.
Some questions are better left unanswered and some journeys are better for it.
Love + Rebirth + Sitting In Wonder,
P.S. – If you’ve lost a loved one, especially your mother, the book, “Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss” by Hope Edelman changed my world and was an enormous resource for my grief and healing journey.
Not only do I have some WTF moments, I also have dark flashes when all I really want to do is wiggle my nose like Samantha Stephens on Bewitched and start anew. Yep, sometimes I most definitely need to get a grip on life and grow a pair.
I will say that these times don’t stick around too long because of a couple tricks I have up my sleeve to help get a grip when I need one and/or grow a set of balls if that’s required, too. Because life is real deal, yo.
5 Ways To Get A Grip On Life + Grow A Pair —
– Let It All Out:
Look, I spent most of my life holding everything in and priding myself on being an ice queen, until one day, when my mom died, all the walls I built to keep myself “safe” actually caved in and began to suffocate me.
Ever since then (and many grief counseling sessions later) I’ve been a firm believer in feeling what I feel and then letting that shit go.
Holding it in actually keeps you stuck wherever you are emotionally. Even if you don’t want to let out an ugly cry and think the pain will bury you, let it – because you will still be breathing, dirt eventually washes away and guaranteed the sun will rise again.
– Unleash The Muse
A part of letting it out for me is HOW I want to let it all out — Unleashing The Muse. We all have creative outlets that bring us joy – painting, horseback riding, writing, singing, dancing, numbering (that’s what I call what my husband does when he looks like John Nash in A Beautiful Mind). 🙂
Whatever you plug yourself into that turns you on and allows you to light up from the inside out – do that. Throw paint on a blank canvas, scribble gibberish in your journal, dance naked in your living room, stomp it out, shake it out, breathe it out…unleash the Muse and invite her (him) in, so she feels like she’s part of your healing.
– Spill Your Guts
Spilling your guts can also be a part of unleashing the muse, but what I want to talk specifically about is therapy/healing modalities.
When my mom died when I was 24-years old, my life spiraled quickly out of control and I became Party Queen and the Commissioner of non-commitment. It wasn’t until I discovered and dove deep into grief counseling (like every Monday for months, grief counseling) that I began to piece myself back together and finally feel like a whole person again.
Spill your guts – to a soul sister, a counselor, a healer, a coach, a family member, or whomever you trust and can share your entire self with and do it as often as you can. Holding emotions in creates a volcano inside you, that, when erupts, blows ash and heat in every direction.
– Crash The Comfort Zone
You hear the quotes about walking outside your comfort zone and that nothing magical happens INSIDE your comfort zone. And as someone who likes to live mostly outside her comfort zone, I’d agree completely with that statement.
Whenever we do something scary, we grow and growth is where the magic is at because we will never be the same again and we tend to learn so much about who we are.
You don’t have to sky dive or become a nun to crash the comfort zone – follow your curiosity, take a plunge down rabbit holes and be open to being used up the Universe – because hot, sweaty and out of words is sometimes really sexy.
– INVOKE STUART SMALLEY: Forgive + Love Yourself
We might not all be affirmation swinging, mirror reflecting guru’s, but what we CAN be is loving and forgiving to ourselves – not only for the journey we’re on, but everything that has brought us to where we are.
You made a mistake? So what.
Is it really a mistake, or a lesson in knowing yourself better?
You don’t like yourself? If you don’t love you, who the fuck will, so start going on some dates with YOU and wine and dine your beautiful ass.
Forgive yourself first, so you can forgive others and love the shit out of YOU as often as possible!
Big Love + Getting A Grip + Growing Some Big One’s,
It was a bright, yet crisp Saturday morning as she meandered into our bedroom with her white pajama shirt on backwards and her pink and white socks pulled over her pants.
This tiny Pre-Schooler looked like she just rolled out of a John Hughes movie beholding like Curly Sue with some major bedhead – a tiny birds nest in the back of her hair where she slept, waiting for Mama Bird to fly right into it and perch herself on that rough patch of hair.
She grabbed her pink and black polka dotted blanket that’s been around since she was a wee babe, off the futon. I was reading a book and marveled at her appearance and excitedly blurted out, “I love you so much!”
“Love you, too.”
“You are so cute.”
And then she walked out of the bedroom sniffing her blanket like the loved up, ball of cuteness I was just doting on.
In that moment I thought – how fucking beautiful it is that this tiny human just accepted AND received a compliment without feeling like she had to compliment me in return or negate what I said.
How to receive a compliment:
What if (even if some resistance bubbled up inside us) we said, “thank you” and left it at accepting?
What if we actually received the compliment because holy hell, “You look beautiful today” actually feels really good to hear?
What if we didn’t try to interfere with the joy of the compliment-giver and brush aside what they said because it actually fuels their soul to say those things to you?
What if you didn’t question and actually believed you are absolutely worthy of the words raining upon you?
What if “thank you” is perfectly acceptable to say in return – nothing more, nothing less?
Because compliments (the giving and the receiving of them) can make a day, soothe a soul and elevate a life + you are so worthy.
Big Love + Learning to Give and Receive,
I was straight up sobbing, but without the tears rolling down my cheeks, kind of sob. It looked more like the body cry where your shoulders are heave hoeing up and down uncontrollably like you’re dancing a jig. Yeah, that one. I’m standing on the bathroom rug, trying to hide my face in the crease of my elbow…
The hubs and I stood there, on a rug that probably cost more than my entire wardrobe, in an exquisitely sizable, modern, well decorated house and just stared at the striking and rather large family picture on the wall. As we were gazing at it and trying to place all of the people in the frame (because we sure…
Have you ever had an idea strike you out of nowhere, or feel the creative muse saunter through your body like the lover it is?
When the spark hit, were you in the middle of doing something that didn’t allow you to run with this lightening bolt of inspiration?
— Hello, job to get to, kids to like, watch and stuff, food to prepare and a handsome hubs to squeeze and cuddle or desire to slap (depends on the moment really). –
I’ve recently been all amped up with creativity and feel my veins of inspiration pumping like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall.
As I was getting super festive and New Year’s Eve-y in my kitchen, I was blasted with loads of ideas and writing material as I was cooking. I thought well, this sure as hell isn’t the best time to quit what I’m doing and act on these hits (I don’t believe uncooked meat with a side of salmonella is what I was going for on the menu that night).
I decided to do what I can with what I had…
Clearing The Deck
- Instead of running off to write a blog in the middle of cooking – I wrote down the core ideas that hit me in that moment, so I could riff on them later. (And riff I did. I kept that jagged little paper and sat down to write with it when I made the time for writing).
- I planned like a MoFo! And I’m like super serious about this one, more than I ever have been in my whole life. I bought my ass a planner, made an editorial calendar and a compatible schedule with my hubs to get my writing and work flowing and created. **This one is my favorite so far and working the best for me right now!
- Did I say plan? Look, I’m all about inspired action and all that fairy and unicorn stuff, but when I stayed JUST in that space it didn’t work for me, so I had to add some planning and un-inspired action into the whole picture. Fairies + Unicorns + Grit + Grind = a feeling of elation, movement, progress and consistency!
- Clear the deck for real. Who knows when the muse will strike, so I decided to do as much cooking, meal-prepping, cleaning, errands, etc. as I can in one short span as opposed to dragging it out. So, when I do get a new blog idea or writing prompt, I can (when appropriate) run to my computer and go to town on that bad boy.
What I’ve realized is that it doesn’t really matter HOW you show up with your creative hat on. What matters is that you SHOW UP. You don’t have to have a huge platform or sell out shows.
All you really need is some guts to move whatever is moving inside you and get it out. Whether that’s on a blank piece of canvas or dancing in your living room. Show up + let it out + rinse + repeat.
Love + Girthy, Creative Veins,